Descent of Darkness

Nyx

the breaking of Lunara

Kaine apologizes to me on the long walk to the portal and though I give him the cold shoulder, inside it makes me smile. I feel myself once again starting to care; starting to feel like maybe I found actual friends in this unlikely group of adventurers. I spent much of the walk lost in thought and when Swizzle comes to sit a little ways away from me at dinnertime I do not refuse…

Then we get to the portal and recite the incantation…

…then everything changes…

Gareth! Waryk! Once the portal is closed we find ourselves in a forest somehow; with Waryk, Gareth, and Gattican broken and bleeding on the ground a short ways away. Broken and bleeding and WITH us even though they were not anywhere near the inner portal circle as we closed it. I gasp as I slowly recognize their scorched bodies; horrified that we had killed them in closing the portal. More death. Does everything I do result in death for those I’m starting to care about?? But no, they are only seriously hurt; not yet dead. Once they are healed enough to move, though….they look…different, though I can’t put my finger on why.

It is only on our way away from the forest that we come to understand that THREE YEARS have passed for them while we closed that portal…And there is now some sort of war that they will explain to us once we’ve escaped the ELVES THAT HAVE BEEN TORTURING THEM. Oh get this – they also think we should RECRUIT said elves as ALLIES! Fuck that! NO WAY IN HELL will I be getting anywhere NEAR the elves…

All these thoughts and more whirl chaotically through my mind as we teleport out of the forest and to the edge of the grasslands once more… Finally, they coalesce into an icy needle of truth; piercing me to the core. I am not a hero. Nor will I ever be one…And I am through trying.

I am DONE! So done with things I don’t understand fucking with my damn life! Somebody knew – the dragons, the damn fairy, the orcs with their visions…SOMEONE KNEW! And yet we were told NOTHING. Were not even given a choice. The mere moments it took us to deactivate and close the portal caused three years to pass for the rest of the world. THREE DAMN YEARS! Do you know how much changes in that long? EVERYTHING!!! Everything changes. My revenge on Farl- everything I’ve dedicated my life to accomplishing? A moot point! Farl’s reign of terror lasted almost ten years before we closed the portal – longer than almost any other leader in living memory. Now? Most likely already dead. No one survives that long on the streets of Aldritch. The others who aided him? The ones I would have given my eye-teeth to be able to give some payback to? Dead and dead; more than damn fucking likely. Even Lorne’s shop…in that amount of time it has either been swallowed by the street or been rebuilt into something completely different. Why does everything I hope and strive for get torn so violently and viciously from my closing grasp? Not again. NEVER again.

I thought I was walking the razor-line edge of an abyss; trying to save the world. Trying to make friends and temper the anger and pain in my heart. Trying to follow in Blink and Lorne’s footsteps – to be the hero; to save those I cared for… No longer…

I dive lithely into the depths of myself…Gracefully…gratefully ecstatic to embrace the rippling, inky blackness of my deepest underwater treasures; heretofore shunned and locked away. I open myself, body and soul, to be a vessel for my darkest desires. The anger – the pain – the soul-crushing despair. I take it all in – they are my oldest and dearest friends. Why did I ever run from them? No longer do I fear these things; they are my greatest gifts…they have hammered and honed me to be who I am. I embrace them with an icy smile.

I am not Lunara. Lunara is a name I wore for a season. I accept that it was a name I once called myself. No more – I renounce it. For I am not the broken young girl-child that idealistic Lorne wanted to heal and have rise above her roots. I will never care; will never feel as he felt nor be who he wished me to be. I am not Ears. I accept that Ears is a name that I once called myself. No more – I renounce it. For I am not the frightened, cowering girl-child that Farl tortured nor the kind, innocent soul that Blink once took in all those years ago. No; those are only names I once accepted as mine. No more. I renounce them. I reject it all…THIS is my birthright. This is my home. Here within me all along; waiting for me to fall below its watery surface. To drown in its exquisite black waters covered in sheets of ice. To chill my heart; excise the festering, poisonous feelings that hold me back from who I am meant to be…There is no light at the end of the tunnel; no dashing hero to swoop in and save the day. Only me. Only who I am…who I no longer fear to be.

For I am anger. I am pain. I am deepest despair.

I am death…and Death’s gifts will I bring to all I may, in time; in their turn. It has been my gift all along; I have stopped shunning it and trying to be something I am not

I name myself Nyx; gutterspeak for violent death and pain.

I have found my true purpose.

And I am free

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