Descent of Darkness

Strange things

Oblivious blackness envelopes me for what feels an eternity; a blessed relief after the previous night’s violent emotional upheavals. I finally open my eyes to find myself staring at the wall of one of the village tents. I can hear Swizzle talking and moving behind me but I ignore it and close my eyes again with a wince, pretending to sleep. Part of me wants to stay here forever; forget yesterday ever happened. Forget the visions; forget the loss of Lorne’s pendant; forget that something in me snapped late last night in the darkness. I feel different but I don’t know how yet; it scares me. I don’t even remember how I got back to the tent – the last thing I remember I was in a secluded area of the village, outside. Have I been wrong all these years? I wonder bleakly.

Swizzle is still trying to talk to me. With a deep inward sigh, I finally answer her and start getting out of bed. I don’t understand how she can be so damnably chipper all the time! She chatters worse than any of the kids I knew in Aldritch. Suddenly images of the elves in the past part of my vision flash before my eyes. My…family?? Ngh! Not THIS again! I can’t have a family…even the word sounds…wrong somehow I just want to forget the visions ever happened… But the laughing elven children spinning in a circle lingers, the laughter echoing in my mind. The little ones free and uninhibited by anger or fear or starvation… Like Swizzle I think. Maybe I haven’t been trying hard enough. Swizzle has never been anything but nice to me. My gut clenches; all of my instincts screaming at me to back away from the situation…but I extend my hand slowly and tremulously manage to utter “Friends?” even so. My emotions balance on a knife point as I wait to see how she reacts.

When she grabs my hand to shake it, grinning from ear to ear, I heave a sigh of relief and release the breath I didn’t even realize I’d been holding. Swizzle wants to be my friend! Even after everything that has happened so far; all the times I’ve pushed and shoved her and everyone else away. Even after almost leading her into a pack of cheetahs yesterday! I feel warmth spreading through me as I smile inwardly but I can’t let it show! I look around the room, trying to come up with a scathing remark or something to throw things off again when my eye falls on my pack; my crescent moon pendant laid out on top! I gasp and run to it! It IS! It’s my pendant! How did it get here? Someone must have given it back… Waryk??? or maybe… I ask Swizzle if she put the pendant there but she says no. I feel better just holding it. I quickly slip it on… Thinking hard for a moment, I finally decide to hide it away under my clothes. I don’t want anyone to think that I hold with elves at all but I don’t want to give the pendant up again either. I just won’t wear it where anyone can see.

Swizzle and I go to leave the tent, only to find Gattican in the way. Swizzle, he, and I talk a bit and, somehow, we shake hands and become friends too. TWO friends in one day! That’s more than I’ve ever made at one time before! Part of me is terrified but another part is strangely thrilled. More emotions that are too hard to sort through at the moment. My mind racing, I wander off on my own through the village and decide to go search out Waryk. Waryk who, when all is said and done, has also been fairly nice I suppose. Not that I think just being nice gets you anywhere but I figure if anyone knows how to figure all of this emotional crap out – it’ll be him. And I’m pretty sure he’s the one who gave me my pendant back; without me even having to feel all humiliated asking him for it. He is the last one who had it after all…

When I finally find him and pull him aside to talk, though, he REFUSES to help! And he’s not even the one who gave my pendant back!! I can’t figure out who else it would be! Waryk tells me to go find Kaine or Gareth, as they’ll be better able to help me figure things out. It feels stupid but I do want to get back to my normal self and through all these awful emotions. And Waryk SAW what Farl did. I hope that no one else knows…I wondered if he’d been the one to scry me but hadn’t really dared to ask before this. So humiliating! Damn. I start to feel angry again but I leave to hunt out Kaine and hope that he’ll be able to put things into perspective so I can clear my head. He DID save me from the cheetahs yesterday, at great risk to himself. Even after I stormed out on everyone… Maybe we can be friends too, like Swizzle, Gattican, and I. I do admire the way he handles himself. And the way he treats others when he thinks no one is looking reminds me of Blink..

But the conversation with Kaine goes even worse than the one with Waryk, if that’s possible. I open my fucking soul: as raw and open as I have EVER been with someone and he practically spits it back at me. I told him I ADMIRED him – I don’t think I’ve ever told ANYONE else that… I’m still so naïve….a bloody idiot if I thought things would be different; that letting someone in would help… Fuck if I’m going to try and let anyone in again! I remember now why I shut myself out from everyone else so many years before. The agony of rejection so isn’t worth the gain! I thought he was some sort of caring, gentle soul deep down – like maybe we could be friends or something. Fuck that! I didn’t even get a chance to ask. Fuck if I ever try to talk to Kaine about anything important again – him or anyone else, for that matter. The vision threw me off. I forgot my purpose; forgot why I LIKED being on my own. My plans for Farl and for Aldritch… Nobody close means no one can truly hurt you; no one can get in and know enough to mess up your plans… My hand goes to my mask, laying stuffed in a pocket still. I come close to putting it back on; being safe again. But Waryk’s exclamation of being proud of me when he saw me without it earlier today echoes through my mind. He did brush me off but I can’t deny a part of me felt good when he told me he was proud…I can’t decide whether to put it back on or leave it alone. I waver a moment more before finally withdrawing my hand from my pocket, leaving the mask inside. For now, I decide to keep it off…for now…



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